Java

“Saying Java is good because it works on all operating systems is like saying anal sex is good because it works on all genders.” ~ The Pope

“Java Chip Frappuccino!!” ~ Black Santa on Garbage Can

“I'm not going to the lessons of java” ~ Sander Vanhee

Java is a modern, high-performance computer language which represents the culmination of over 50 brilliant years of computer language research and design. It simply does not get any better than this. Starting with Fortran which itself was developed in 1956, Java has succeeded in not only not raising, but lowering the level of abstraction of a modern computer language, fully consistent with the dumbing-down of just about everything else. Java programs typically consume 47 times their weight in excess code.

Tremendous productivity gains can be realized with Java, particularly when the work was previously done with small reptiles or amphibians. Many individual Java programmers claim that it is the very best technology available, particularly when they don't know anything else. Java was initially designed to operate the bread ejection mechanism from a toaster's on-board computer. From its modest beginnings, then with some marketing brilliance, Java was rapidly accepted as a general porpoise programming language. Today Java is responsible for the worldwide economic downturn, global warming, and a whole lot of confused porpoises. Java features Object Disorientation and encourages using separate classes wherever possible, and is especially well suited for complex programming situations where a shitload of useless classes, considered to be Best Praxis, is required for no reason whatsoever. Usage of such primitive constructs such as the Select Case statement is discouraged as its usage is a clear indication of insufficient object disorientation. State-of-the-art concepts, such as dependency injection, allow programmers a quick and effective excuse, if not migration, to lifelong drug dependency and the subsequent injection of narcotics directly into the bloodstream. Java is extremely popular with computer manufacturers, as its sparkling performance normally requires more frequent computer, processor, and memory upgrades. Java is also very popular with electric utility companies, as servers running Java programs tend to consume vast amounts of power to perform otherwise trivial computations. Last and certainly least, Java has recently been voted Language of the Year by the medical profession, as its verbose coding style contributes to significant increases in Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and other repetitive motion injuries and disorders, resulting in windfall profits by this outstanding profession in treating these expensive conditions.